there's gold in them there hills

Certain topics are easy. Most of my blog entries so far have been things that I know or things that if I get wrong I would hardly regret phrasing badly or wishing I'd talked about something else. Talking about Rach and about the cancer that she is fighting is too hard to put into words. Her blog deals with it more eloquently and more powerfully than I could hope to but here is a brief attempt from a very small distance to start thinking about how I am feeling & how I am hunting for the gold in the hills of this cancer.

Firstly i'm genuinly not angry either with God or with the situation. I am lucky, I think my life is fortunate, I have so much that I don't want to lose things rather than having so little that I am desperate to have things not material things but life, happiness, family etc...

Secondly, be careful what you pray for!! Cancer is never something you would want or pray for obviously, but if i condider what i have prayed for (improved marriage, financial security, an appreciation of my friends and a knowledge that i am appreciated by them) it is hard to think of a quicker and more direct answer to these prayers. It is however unquestionably the hardest most horrible way to learn these things. Perhaps in future i will add a caveat to my prayers with regards to how they are answered by God.

Lastly for now, I feel like God has been pretty quiet, I kind of expected to wake to an 'I love you' from him every morning and I haven't heard it (audibly) but I  know God will never leave me nor forsake me. I will hang in there and squeeze out every ounce of faith and trust that I stored over a lifetime with God. I know I will look back and see that where I was thrashing about thinking I was drowning, I was in fact wearing a life jacket that wasn't even fraying that was certainly not coming off. I will not sink, be left or forsaken!!

I don't feel like I've learnt all the lessons available through this so far, but as my dad pointed out I only need to exist and get through each day there will plenty of opportunities to learn when Rach is well. I love her and realising how much is the best gold i have found, maybe without having head off into the hills I'd never have known how much, maybe i should be grateful? Bruised but grateful.

God has entrusted me with myself

God would be disappointed with me if I tried to be Moses, if I tried to be Billy Graham or for that matter if they tried to be me. God is not going to say to me on the day of judgement 'why couldn't you be more like them?'. He may say 'why didn't you try to be more like yourself?' I hear that on the radio & it got me thinking.

He has entrusted me with myself and made me with handcrafted genius. I love the idea of creating stuff & I like to think if i was going to design myself i'd change a few things (personality here, looks a bit there etc...) essentially accepting God did a good enough job but thinking there were one or two areas he (or i) could do with tidying up a little. God is not shocked or surprised by my flaws, he made me with them! Not excusing when I do stuff wrong but seriously my biggest flaw is that i think more about my flaws than i do about the positive. When you surf (as I have a whole twice!) if you look at your feet you fall over but if you look up you surf (sometimes). If you look at your weakness' you fall over, if you focus on God & the bigger picture you surf.

God has entrusted me with myself to be myself and make the most of myself not spend my whole life trying to make myself something else. I heard a preacher once say that when God called us to be salty he meant us to taste more of our flavour (personality etc...) like when you add salt to food but not to taste of just salt (as in all the same) The good thing about being yourself is if you do it right it shouldn't require any effort. I want to be a better person, i want to be more pro-active and get more stuff done but i also want to be satisfied that i am in fact ok, that i am in fact well-crafted, and that, as i am with no effort at all i am in fact accepted, loved and good. Effort beyond that will help more of me come in to focus. God wants us to wrestle with him to know him more, it takes effort to help the poor, to do my job well, to be a good husband, dad, friend etc... but these are things that can flow out of a confidence in who i am, who i was made to be and the potential of who i can be. To do these things well i need to first appreciate that i am firstly accepted, loved & good

be as you wish to seem

I've spent part of today marking year 8 tests on Jesus, I think part of me only expects the keeno's and the christians to do well in this test as it involves a fair amount of memory recall (name the disciples...?? I have to look up the answer every time to check which ones are and aren't, not Luke apparently)  There are definitely a number of both in the class, Keeno's excused, the Christians in the class can't be deemed better than each other simply based on this test or any other test for that matter. It is so easy to think that Christianity boils down to an ability to know the facts and impress (I've been told this is wrong for so many years but I still don't listen). I know that study helps me to understand, but what does God want? A genuine heart, and worship in spirit and truth that doesn't always get it, or worship that gets 50/50 in a recall test? He wants genuine-ness!! (is that a word?)  I also understand that it comes down to grace but no matter how many times i'm told my nature prefers the concept of earning grace than just the free variety. I have to continually remind myself of my acceptance by him based on him not me.

Mike Yaconelli used to point out that Jesus' disciples spent so much time with him and knew him so well but still had no idea who he really was or what he was going to do. I think my blog has so far basically just promoted being dim and lost but hey hum maybe I can deal with that, I think Jesus wanted wild eyed childlike excitement not dull studious correct answers. I don't want to look clever or seem to know stuff, I want to be genuine and have that as how i seem.

What d'ya know?

I often think how impossible someone living in the Victorian era would have considered space flight when even planes weren't invented, but I think then how if I go further and accept only things of which I have seen or experienced up to today then I too would doubt space travel having a) never been to space b) never met someone who has been to space and c) never really understood why having been there ages ago we don't keep going back?? Things can be real without my having experienced it and things can turn out for good without me understanding them at the time or even after the time. My point is a lack of knowledge and understanding needn't be something to fear but something to embrace. The unknown is bigger than me and since I generally feel so limited I would rather wisdom and knowledge didn't have to dumb down for me but stayed safely out of my grasp!

 Socrates (via Plato) said "The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing" It seems like a good place to start but when people say 'things always turn out for best' it can sometimes seems a more comforting prospect than not knowing or celebrating the not knowing. Personally knowing i know nothing is a comfort, it takes the pressure off having to work everything out, of needing to understand everything and having to appear together. I can BE together and confident in accepting a lack of knowledge and control by dealing with each day as it comes on a day to day basis. If you make the correct decisions in the moment then the longer term ones will be steered more effectively to where you want to go - If I chose to spend time with my family, to pick up my son when he cries the long term effect is a good relationship with my family and a son with a sense of security. If I analyse, over plan and think through what i should do I miss the moment and long term do harm rather than good. 


Having a goal / aim in life is important but making the right decisions as you go is a far more effective way of achieving those goals than stressing each day that you are missing out or missing your calling. It's a cliche to say no one knows what the future brings but its not actually true, some things can't be predicted or happen when you didn't want them to and some things wont happen without a long term strategy and determined approach but with things that are important you make them happen over time by making the right decisions at the time not wallowing in pity from the last poor decision you made or looking so far forward you don't see what is happening today and enjoy it. On that note I should probably stop blogging and play with Noah!! Bye for now...