Musings

“Over the years, I have come to realize that the greatest trap in our life is not success, popularity, or power, but self-rejection. Success, popularity, and power can indeed present a great temptation, but their seductive quality often comes from the way they are part of the much larger temptation to self-rejection. When we have come to believe in the voices that call us worthless and unlovable, then success, popularity, and power are easily perceived as attractive solutions. The real trap, however, is self-rejection. As soon as someone accuses me or criticizes me, as soon as I am rejected, left alone, or abandoned, I find myself thinking, "Well, that proves once again that I am a nobody." ... [My dark side says,] I am no good... I deserve to be pushed aside, forgotten, rejected, and abandoned. Self-rejection is the greatest enemy of the spiritual life because it contradicts the sacred voice that calls us the "Beloved." Being the Beloved constitutes the core truth of our existence.”

― Henri J.M. Nouwen

I try and write a blog/letter entry to Noah on his birthday every year and one day I'll show him the address (It's separate to this one which I have neglected as Rach recovered) I wrote the following underneath the quote at the top, but I think I was maybe writing it for my own benefit too!

"I don't mind what you do, but be confident that you have a secure identity not always known and recognised by others, and importantly not defined by them. You have an identity in God and you can have a freedom in knowing that. Don't feel you have to be like others or tear yourself apart to be acceptable. You are perfect. When you have a child you will realise that they are perfect and they do nothing to earn it. That's how I think about you and how you should learn to think about yourself. Not arrogant but accepting that you are who you are and that is always enough."

Anyhow having just done his I thought I'd go crazy and double up and blog to the max. Will have another intelligent thought sometime next year. Till then

adieu

Olympics

So turns out parts of my life have passed me by. I wont be a child prodigy (age requirements - under 10?) More harrowingly I will not be an olympian (so many reasons! Age, ability, gozzy eyes, etc....) But I missed out through also not really trying and giving my all, before you know it your olympic career is over!? I could go for shooting, or some other event where age is less significant. Or represent the people's republic Crablakistan but safe to say I wont. I never realised it was an option to be honest, I always watched as though it was another universe and didn't think i got to do stuff like that. I am hoping over the next few years I remember that contentness is a habit rather than a reality but also that I have the desire and inclination to do what I want to do and to not limit myself by only living within my experience. Living in 'I can't wait to...' rather than 'I wonder what it would be like to...'

All the best

big hugs

Made me cry!

http://www.lettersofnote.com/2012/02/i-love-my-wife-my-wife-is-dead.html

This is so painful to read. I only blog once every blue moon but this is one of my favourite sites and I am darn well gonna steal someone else's words because they are amazing!

resolutions

Good point! I generally feel like I am not quite doing enough (with God, family, hobbies, interests, etc...) I think learning contentness is more satisfying than trying only one area and having to forget the rest as a result. I found some new years resolutions by Jonathan Edwards (the theologian rather than the jumper) some were a bit weird but some were great!

1. Resolved, If ever I shall fall and grow dull, so as to neglect to keep any part of these Resolutions, to repent of all I can remember, when I come to myself again. 

5. Resolved, Never to lose one moment of time, but to improve it in the most profitable way I possibly can. 

6. Resolved, To live with all my might, while I do live. 

7. Resolved, Never to do any thing, which I should be afraid to do if it were the last hour of my life. 

17. Resolved, That I will live so, as I shall wish I had done when I come to die 

18. Resolved, To live so, at all times, as I think is best in my most devout frames, and when I have the clearest notions of the things of the gospel, and another world 

22. Resolved, To endeavour to obtain for myself as much happiness in the other world as I possibly can, with all the power, might, vigour, and vehemence, yea violence, I am capable of, or can bring myself to exert, in any way that can be thought of 

28. Resolved, To study the Scriptures so steadily, constantly, and frequently, as that I may find, and plainly perceive, myself to grow in the knowledge of the same 

?. Resolved, To inquire every night, as I am going to bed, wherein I have been negligent,—what sin I have committed 

41. Resolved, to ask myself, at the end of every day, week, month, and year, wherein I could possibly, in any respect, have done better 

6. Resolved, Never to give over, nor in the least to slacken, my fight with my corruptions, however unsuccessful I may be 

67. Resolved, After afflictions, to inquire, what I am the better for them; what good I have got by them; and, what I might have got by them 

69. Resolved, Always to do that, which I shall wish I had done when I see others do it

posts

It seems i have entered the age of separations. It makes me realise how little I understand about people and that life has its problems for everyone. I have a pretty good case for feeling hard done by over the last couple of years but I really don't know that I am. I am just working things out same as everyone else. I can see my state of mind often by what I listen to.

Times is tuff playlist
Gold in them hills - Ron Sexsmith
I will not be broken - Ben Harper
Blessed Assurance - Chris McClarney
Most music by Bon Iver or Cat Stevens

Times is better playlist
Valentino - Diane Birch
Home - Edward Sharpe & the magnetic zeros
I need a dollar - Aloe Blacc
(& prob still Bon Iver)

All in all I have very little to say but I think I am gonna go make a playlist x

why winning matters

I am in no way a natural athlete, I lack co-ordination and my eyes look in 2 different directions at the same time. As such I have never valued winning as a matter of self-preservation, and i get annoyed on sports day that winning is so important most likely because my sole aim would be to not be noticed and certainly not thinking about winning. I was wrong - winning matters, grim determination in defeat is better than laughing, not trying and conceding without a fight.

In trying to work out what has happened over the last few months I have had to fight a battle that has to be won on so many levels. I believe that when God promised all things work out for good that was not for this world but the next, that in this world God promises not to make our lives easy but only that he will hold our hand through what we do have to go through. God has been quiet and Rach is not yet through this but whatever happens I WILL win, and God will still be a good God. I will listen for God coughing in the background and I will see the small flicker when it seems dark. I have had lots of people recently asking me how I can still have faith to which I say that this is the first time I have needed it so to lose it now wouldn't show much fight. I look forward to life being more straight forward, but i will take the desire to win in life from this, as well as so many other things, some good, some maybe less so but winning or at least genuinely trying to matters


Anyhow I should get back to my manly evening in, with a glass of port, a bubble bath, a book, Downton abbey!


adieu

Book club

 I've been reading more lately & just finished Shogun about feudal Japan (I am a geek) the book is awesome but in it they treat death as a method to cope with guilt & shame. Jez wrote to me about it and how we deal with guilt & got me thinking. 

My sister also wrote a blog recently about how native American cultures deal with guilt and how they are about restoration rather than just guilt or revenge or getting even like prison, Spanish inquisition or death etc... They have to restore relationships as a priority rather than living on in guilt.The main consequence of sin in our culture is guilt which is not a biblical response and can often be self indulgent and lead to no actual action. A biblical response is to say sorry, repent and rejoice. mlk said something like 'the only contribution I make to my salvation is the sin which god graciously takes away'. The point is not to run round intentionally sinning but given that we know we will sin, it is far more liberating to live in forgiveness than in guilt. We live with guilt and inadequacy rather than resolving the issues or more straight forwardly giving it to God. Forgiveness is a full stop rather than a comma. (i gotta confess i just thought of that sentence and am pretty proud of myself!) I love how different the Japanese culture is though & how you can see truth and biblical principles in different cultures. makes you check which of your own beliefs are biblical and which are cultural I wonder if guilt and revenge are for more cultural than we think?

Gimmie a year and I spect I will have read another book to scribble about.

http://growandbegrown.blogspot.com/2011_05_01_archive.html (My sister's blog on said topic, although given she accounts for about half my readership it may be i slightly pointless link!)