there's gold in them there hills

Certain topics are easy. Most of my blog entries so far have been things that I know or things that if I get wrong I would hardly regret phrasing badly or wishing I'd talked about something else. Talking about Rach and about the cancer that she is fighting is too hard to put into words. Her blog deals with it more eloquently and more powerfully than I could hope to but here is a brief attempt from a very small distance to start thinking about how I am feeling & how I am hunting for the gold in the hills of this cancer.

Firstly i'm genuinly not angry either with God or with the situation. I am lucky, I think my life is fortunate, I have so much that I don't want to lose things rather than having so little that I am desperate to have things not material things but life, happiness, family etc...

Secondly, be careful what you pray for!! Cancer is never something you would want or pray for obviously, but if i condider what i have prayed for (improved marriage, financial security, an appreciation of my friends and a knowledge that i am appreciated by them) it is hard to think of a quicker and more direct answer to these prayers. It is however unquestionably the hardest most horrible way to learn these things. Perhaps in future i will add a caveat to my prayers with regards to how they are answered by God.

Lastly for now, I feel like God has been pretty quiet, I kind of expected to wake to an 'I love you' from him every morning and I haven't heard it (audibly) but I  know God will never leave me nor forsake me. I will hang in there and squeeze out every ounce of faith and trust that I stored over a lifetime with God. I know I will look back and see that where I was thrashing about thinking I was drowning, I was in fact wearing a life jacket that wasn't even fraying that was certainly not coming off. I will not sink, be left or forsaken!!

I don't feel like I've learnt all the lessons available through this so far, but as my dad pointed out I only need to exist and get through each day there will plenty of opportunities to learn when Rach is well. I love her and realising how much is the best gold i have found, maybe without having head off into the hills I'd never have known how much, maybe i should be grateful? Bruised but grateful.