If I had a typewriter I would at this point be dramatically screwing up my work and throwing it behind me to start a redraft titled 'lessons learnt from Rach's cancer' to be written then screwed up again in a few days when I realise that I have to relearn things or have in fact learnt nothing. given that my ramblings are on the interweb this will instead be 'lessons learnt - part 2 - not sure what yet' I feel less and less under pressure to learn from this time, and more and more to just get through it is my objective. I want to sift through its remains after and pick out the good buried in this situation but day-to-day my ability to think constructively is getting harder (particularly as I currently have tonsillitis & Rach is having a week of intensive tests)
Rach's chemo came so close to working but stopped just short of killing the cancer which now is growing again. I don't want to have a babyish faith and doubt simply because life has got tough, I know God is good, I know bad stuff can happen to good people, I know, I know, I know but I really want a more audible voice from him at the moment, and I think like a kid getting angry with their parents saying crazy things they don't mean it doesn't mean that kid doesn't love their parents only that they are trying to outwork a relationship that they don't yet have the capacity to express, or understand something they thought to be one way but have now discovered to be another. Yes God is good, but no my concept of good isn't the same as his. God is not as predictable as I expected as a child. I believe God would rather tantrums and anger from an honest heart than someone putting a blindfold on so they can't see God wasn't what they thought. The bible is full of people wrestling with God (I'm not actually doing that much of this but I probably should be) and he seems to like the people that do it (Jakob, Moses, Jonah, etc...)
The Doc says this will be a lot tougher than what we have been through so far, quite how this could be possible I have no idea. I do know that I have changed for the better over 6 months (I'm glad I was bald to start with though as I have also been stretched beyond belief) I am determined not to ever lose perspective of my life and its priorities nor to waste this opportunity to slow down and appreciate Rach. She's an amazing blessing that I am so grateful for her
Thursday, 31 March 2011
Wednesday, 9 March 2011
some thoughts
as man stares into the abyss he finds his true self. To never have the abyss in front of you is to miss out on what you don't want and what you do want, a life of banality instead of one of challenge, understanding and hope. People ask how i cope with Rach being so ill and i always reply that there is simply no alternative but I know there is. I guess my true self is a blind optimist and this is my most effective defence.
Rach's recovery is like driving out of a forrest and finding that there is a path out that is slowly becoming firmer and will eventually become a road. It is still a bit craggy at the moment and is not as smooth as many seem to think. We know she will make it but the smooth road is in the distance. I am helped daily by a few recurring thoughts, some are genuine and some have to be trained into my head.
1. This is for good - I wrote this up in 'there's gold in them there hills' but i have to remember that we are the lucky ones (I don't mean i'm happy with it as it sucks just that I know this ends up good, like in a good film where the plot has to go pear for the end to be better)
2. Get on with things - there is a limit on our time and there are things that if we want to do them, should be done (I'm going for stuff like 'learn French','visit Japan', 'read and finish a book by a Russian author' I'm not meaning anything too hedonistic)
3. Prioritise - people throw so many cliche's around and will always say they don't put their career first but actually the lure of power, money or just wanting people to 'hey you are good at your job' is something of a niggler and only creeps up on you so you don't always see it coming.
4. Focus on compassion for others above the need for compassion for yourself - hey if i could get this one to stick and make it my stock response i think it'd be amazing but this situation is really helping me learn this.
Rach's recovery is like driving out of a forrest and finding that there is a path out that is slowly becoming firmer and will eventually become a road. It is still a bit craggy at the moment and is not as smooth as many seem to think. We know she will make it but the smooth road is in the distance. I am helped daily by a few recurring thoughts, some are genuine and some have to be trained into my head.
1. This is for good - I wrote this up in 'there's gold in them there hills' but i have to remember that we are the lucky ones (I don't mean i'm happy with it as it sucks just that I know this ends up good, like in a good film where the plot has to go pear for the end to be better)
2. Get on with things - there is a limit on our time and there are things that if we want to do them, should be done (I'm going for stuff like 'learn French','visit Japan', 'read and finish a book by a Russian author' I'm not meaning anything too hedonistic)
3. Prioritise - people throw so many cliche's around and will always say they don't put their career first but actually the lure of power, money or just wanting people to 'hey you are good at your job' is something of a niggler and only creeps up on you so you don't always see it coming.
4. Focus on compassion for others above the need for compassion for yourself - hey if i could get this one to stick and make it my stock response i think it'd be amazing but this situation is really helping me learn this.
Thursday, 3 March 2011
Scrub that
Ok all is well!! Last chemo today (prob) I will do another entry when I can work out what I'm thinking other than soooooo happy x will summarise in next few days
baking and waiting
Only 3 chemo's left for my good lady wife then I get to be ill and have her make me stuff. I'm honing my bread making skills in the mean time as I was told it is good for developing patience and perseverance. So far these have usually been learnt most by eating the bread which often weighs a ton and definitely requires perseverance to eat but i am improving for shizzle.
I'm actually loving it so much that I want to open a bakery, just a small one and currently it would have to sell only one type of bread as that is all I have ever made but I love the idea of a little home bread shop. Hey maybe I should buy an old ice cream van and trundle around town selling bread, coffee and tea oh and maybe a few newspapers (not the fascist Daily hate mail of course) I could do a morning run like a grown up paperboy- a paperman even. Now to choose a name and most importantly a tune that the van would play when I enter a street so people would know I was there. In the evenings I could still sell the coffee but do puddings too?? Just an idea but if anyone wants to go halves?
I can't believe Rach has more chemo today and can't believe there are 2 more after that. I don't feel angry but I do feel generally numb. I think it's a coping mechanism and I think it is good as it means I can get through this but it can make me feel like I lack emotion. 3 doesn't sound a lot and I know we are so far through this but when 1 chemo was more than we had ever been through together and each one is harder than the last it feels like the end is still far enough away that we have a big fight left. We had some good days and even a date this week and that helps so much but there is no quick fix and no way I can do this for Rach which as a guy is frustrating. Anyhoo this post is largely because I haven't done one for a while and wanted to share my baking masterplan, that is obviously my main priority!! xx.
I'm actually loving it so much that I want to open a bakery, just a small one and currently it would have to sell only one type of bread as that is all I have ever made but I love the idea of a little home bread shop. Hey maybe I should buy an old ice cream van and trundle around town selling bread, coffee and tea oh and maybe a few newspapers (not the fascist Daily hate mail of course) I could do a morning run like a grown up paperboy- a paperman even. Now to choose a name and most importantly a tune that the van would play when I enter a street so people would know I was there. In the evenings I could still sell the coffee but do puddings too?? Just an idea but if anyone wants to go halves?
I can't believe Rach has more chemo today and can't believe there are 2 more after that. I don't feel angry but I do feel generally numb. I think it's a coping mechanism and I think it is good as it means I can get through this but it can make me feel like I lack emotion. 3 doesn't sound a lot and I know we are so far through this but when 1 chemo was more than we had ever been through together and each one is harder than the last it feels like the end is still far enough away that we have a big fight left. We had some good days and even a date this week and that helps so much but there is no quick fix and no way I can do this for Rach which as a guy is frustrating. Anyhoo this post is largely because I haven't done one for a while and wanted to share my baking masterplan, that is obviously my main priority!! xx.
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