If I had a typewriter I would at this point be dramatically screwing up my work and throwing it behind me to start a redraft titled 'lessons learnt from Rach's cancer' to be written then screwed up again in a few days when I realise that I have to relearn things or have in fact learnt nothing. given that my ramblings are on the interweb this will instead be 'lessons learnt - part 2 - not sure what yet' I feel less and less under pressure to learn from this time, and more and more to just get through it is my objective. I want to sift through its remains after and pick out the good buried in this situation but day-to-day my ability to think constructively is getting harder (particularly as I currently have tonsillitis & Rach is having a week of intensive tests)
Rach's chemo came so close to working but stopped just short of killing the cancer which now is growing again. I don't want to have a babyish faith and doubt simply because life has got tough, I know God is good, I know bad stuff can happen to good people, I know, I know, I know but I really want a more audible voice from him at the moment, and I think like a kid getting angry with their parents saying crazy things they don't mean it doesn't mean that kid doesn't love their parents only that they are trying to outwork a relationship that they don't yet have the capacity to express, or understand something they thought to be one way but have now discovered to be another. Yes God is good, but no my concept of good isn't the same as his. God is not as predictable as I expected as a child. I believe God would rather tantrums and anger from an honest heart than someone putting a blindfold on so they can't see God wasn't what they thought. The bible is full of people wrestling with God (I'm not actually doing that much of this but I probably should be) and he seems to like the people that do it (Jakob, Moses, Jonah, etc...)
The Doc says this will be a lot tougher than what we have been through so far, quite how this could be possible I have no idea. I do know that I have changed for the better over 6 months (I'm glad I was bald to start with though as I have also been stretched beyond belief) I am determined not to ever lose perspective of my life and its priorities nor to waste this opportunity to slow down and appreciate Rach. She's an amazing blessing that I am so grateful for her
Amen brother to Rach being amazing. If it weren't for your cute butt I'd be truly mystified about what she sees in you.
ReplyDeleteYou are both doing so well. It's utterly bewildering why God would allow this to happen and I think it's cool that you don't try to hide that. But you're still trusting God.
Ugh.
I agree with you Jo, leave the silver linings for later.
ReplyDeleteHere's a quote from Joan Chittister - one of those lovely crazy nun types:
"Hope is not an antidote to struggle, hope is what comes out of struggle. After multiple life struggles I say to myself ‘look, I went through this, and I went through that, and I went through that and I survived them all and I shall survive this too'.
It is seeing in myself the ability to cooperate with the universe that is friendly and a Creator who wishes me well. It means I have to bring all my own strength to it but it also means that I have found that strength in me before, I have found the grace and the gift to go ahead and I believe that I will find it now too.
My hope for the future comes from my experience in the past. I really understand that I’m a survivor. I have exercised my adulthood to the point that however stretched it was, it did not break…there is in me the drive to live, and to live well, but most of all the drive to live to the best of myself. Hope is God’s grace today, it’s not a buy-off about tomorrow."
For what it's worth.